Happy weekend guys! I struggled posting this one because I wanted to add and take out so much. I finally came to the decision to just have it all in here. I created this blog to be true and I had to remind myself my motive to create a blog page in the first place.
That's to hopefully help others through my own experiences, mistakes and events. If you read my last post, "the Struggle is Real" then you know that part two was probably going to be more of a serious and honest post... Let's get into it ya'll.
I ended last weeks blog with Taylor coming home from his deployment and how he began to fall into a hole of not picking up after himself.. We are all not perfect. I would go days or weeks not picking up something too. However, it started getting bad when he began to get used to stuff just getting done.
"If I leave my boots here they will get put where they need to get put"
"If I leave my lunch scraps on the counter, they will eventually be thrown and I'll have a new lunch ready"
"Get this done, is the laundry washed? Why are there still dishes? You're home all day."
These were not in any way, shape or form things he has said word by word, but pretty damn close... Let me remind ya'll. I was pregnant and working at Starbucks while a lot of this behavior was going on. As stated in my last blog, I had left Starbucks because I began to get too sick in the coffee, food environment. I remember going to the bathroom at least two times during my shift to puke. (Gross, I know.) So once I became a stay at home, pregnant wife I noticed something get even worse. "Am I living in the twenties?" I thought to myself almost everyday. The idea of the olden days is not bad, however we only really see the positives from that past. Not the reality. Men had the power. Men had the power in the job fields, grocery stores, sports and their home.. The bigger I was getting the more I was being mistreated. We would have good days, don't get me wrong, but way more bad than good.
Without me working we became desperate for some extra cash, especially with a baby on the way. We started to sell things around the house that would be worth more than ten dollars. This included our king bed frame. I was about 6-8 months pregnant at this point. Imagine just how big I got towards the end of my term and I had to sleep on our mattress on the ground. Everyday I would struggle to get up and to go down ha.. This wasn't necessarily Taylor's fault. It was both of ours. However, we did sell the bed frame with the mindset of getting a new one shortly after. We never did... It was never his priority. He would spend hundreds of dollars on workout supplements but wouldn't want to ever actually buy a new bed frame. Gee, how nice huh? :)
I found myself crying in the shower holding Jaxon in my tummy more often than not. Sometimes with him in the house and other times not. Now... when you're preggo, your hormones ARE all over the place and a lot of people brush off the wife's emotions because they know they are GOING through it. I truly, 100% think that my husband never TRIED to realize what was really going on inside of me. With growing our baby boy to my mental health. Depression during pregnancy is also another very high symptom. Everyone knows about postpartum depression but no one ever really talks about the depression during pregnancy that can occur. I like to think I got it bad.. however looking back and evaluating everything that went on during this time, I'm sure I was in a toxic environment causing me to feel the depression symptoms. Of course a pregnant wife will feel sad if they're not getting the help or appreciation they deserve. Of course a pregnant wife will feel lost and alone if they're not getting the time away from the house and the sickness that comes with being pregnant. Of course a pregnant wife will feel heart broken if the man she vowed her life to isn't the same man...
I grew up in a very happy household. We went on a vacation somewhere fun every summer, went to some of the best schools, had the best birthday celebrations and more. I was never depressed before. Of course I had times of feeling "low" and "emo" but those were a part of my body changing moments. (LOL aka puberty.) I used to THINK I understood what Depression was. HAHA, Nope. But when I had the real thing it hit me like a damn dump truck. The biggest dump truck you could imagine. After we had Jaxon, things lightened up and we enjoyed being new parents together. We both knew we loved Jaxon so much and would never do anything to hurt him. The second we met JT we knew he would be someone very important in the world some day. (Can't wait to see what, where and why.) Anyways... when I had JT, my mom came to California to be with us for the whole first month because she knew we would need help. (Thank the Lord she was there, OMG.) Most nights Taylor and I got 0 sleep. We were trying to breastfeed JT but I wasn't really producing any milk for him. Finally after my nipple getting ripped off from him trying to get his food, I went to formula.
Best choice I have ever made in my life. (No, its not natural and from his momma, BUT its way easier to prep at night and to have handy.) This is where things started getting bad again... Everynight I would wake up with Jaxon if I heard him crying or needing something. Taylor was waking up with me at first and helping by making a bottle while I changed his diaper... that stopped quickly as well. It was as if after my mom left he chose to turn off the gentleman he was being and to go back to his old ways. Awesome right? (sarcasm.) ... Changing diapers is another story :-) ... If you can't tell by how big and fake my smiley face is to the left thennnn you're probably one without these problems lol. AT FIRST, he was great. I was great and of course JT's abuelita was great... then it slowly turned into me and abuelita being great at it and now, it's mostly me.
As time continued, so did this behavior of my husband. I wasn’t sure what to think or what to do.
“Was this my fault? What can I do to make this better?”
I began to blame myself for someone else’s actions. Though were married, I couldn't continue thinking of us as one because I was the only one seeing us as one, as a team.
"What can I do better as a wife and a new mom?" "Can I help this situation?"
Thank you for coming back and reading part 2 of "the Struggle is Real". It is still real but better. I'll get there soon, but for now check back in next Friday for my next post!