Here's to a Better Me ...

Happy Monday y'all! I tried really hard to post my blog on time but I failed, again.. haha. I had most of this typed already but I wasn't happy with it. This read is about something personal. Something that many of you don't know about. It was really hard for me to share this with the world but I made this blog to share the good, the bad and to hopefully help others so I said "Hope, you got this girl. Be honest and Be you."

Growing up, I received the nickname "Hopie". Cute huh? To this day I am called "Hope" by my close friends and family. I was never told who started calling me that or why but I came up with my own. I have always been a silly, outgoing girl. I would be shy around strangers and new people that entered my life but once you got to know me... man watch out. I can't remember ever having a frown on my face growing up. Actually ... that's a lie. I would throw some crazy fits if I couldn't wear something I wanted or if something wouldn't go my way. In my defense , it was only towards my parents L.O.L. ... (sorry mom and dad). The point is, I only remember being Happy, being silly Me. I'm not quite sure when things flipped flopped but it happened and it happened fast.

Middle school came and I didn't change much. I was actually super quiet, did my job of being a student and lived life. Then High school came. Still, nothing really changed.. (in my perspective). I met a wonderful guy during our Freshman orientation and I knew my high school career was going to be spent with him. (spoiler alert: it wasn't. L.O.L.). The more I looked up to the upperclassman the more I became insecure. I'm a short girl. Always have been and always will be. But I remember walking through the hallways, seeing these beautiful, TALL girls that were around Junior/Senior age.

"wow, I wish I was tall, long legged and skinny just like her" I thought to myself on the daily.

Watching these beautiful, tall girls walk the hall with perfection began to eat me alive. They had the hot boyfriend, they had the straight A's, they had everything a girl could want in high school. This is where I started to wear makeup more. I tried working out more and fitting in. I would sit on Youtube for HOURS during the evening and watch "How To" makeup videos, "How To" hair videos and "high school hack" videos. (Lame, I knowww haha). I eventually got over the insecurities and became my silly self again.

My wonderful friend, Samantha, asked me to join the sport Tennis with her because she didn't have anyone on the team that she knew.

"Tennis?? Tennis?? How boring and lame is that?" I told her.

"It's actually super fun, plus we can hang after school and play together!" She convinced.

So here I was, Sophomore year, joining the sport Tennis. My mom didn't think I was going to enjoy it or stay in. The first practice was so fun I was shocked to have enjoyed it as much as I did.

Tennis changed my world. Made me confident, fit and was a huge stress reliever. Our girls tennis team would play a game called "Touch the Fence" and man was that an adrenaline rush! This was the same year both of my parents lost/left their jobs.. now that was surprising for all of us. The plus side of it was that they were both able to come see me play my Tennis match's and have dinner all together again as a family. For selfish reasons I enjoyed my parents not working haha. If me and my boyfriend (at the time) wanted Wendy's, my mom was able to bring us Wendys L.O.L. Those were the fun times! Soon enough my dad got a new job as did my mom. I knew they had reality to take care of so I was cool with it but I did miss my mom and dad answering to my every call during school haha. (who wouldn't though, am I right?) Shortly after this, my high school love told me he was moving schools. We were an on and off couple by the way, totally toxic but fun. So we broke things off and It was Game Over for me. I didn't want to talk any guys, I didn't want to give anyone a chance to impress me and I really didn't want to let my cliche personality convince me other wise.

"I promise that I am done with guys and drama. I promise I will only focus on myself and get ready for the college years to come." I told my mom.

"Do you, Taylor Bowman, take Hope Gonzalez, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do." Taylor said.

"and Hope. Do you take Taylor Bowman to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." I said.

My world changed forever. The summer after I graduated, I got married. (W.T.F.) I moved to southern California the day after my wedding. I'm pretty sure I broke my families heart but they didn't tell me...

Once I got married, my life from Brighton, Colorado ended. So did Tennis. The one thing that brought me joy and distraction. Distraction from the negative going on inside. For the beginning of my marriage I was the happiest I have ever been.

"You're my bestfriend, I'm so glad we decided to get married and be together." I told my husband, Taylor.

Being married seemed easy peasy the first year. Especially because shortly after, Taylor deployed. I had a 3 bedroom house all to myself. I thought I was LIVING. Little did I know, I was developing depression. (I also have always had anxiety so the two together was no good.) I had got a job at Starbucks while he was gone to help me stay busy and to of course help financially too. Thinking back to those days is a blurr. I worked, went home, walked my dog, Speedy, and then went to bed. I was hardly eating good foods and I was drinking heavily almost EVERY weekend. In the moment I thought I was just being "young and dumb". Later I learned I was developing depression. I wasn't sure if it was because my husband was deployed or if it was because I was home alone, day in and day out.

It didn't stop. Hubby returned home and I remained depressed. We were both so different since he had left. He was deployed for 8 months. We both changed and grew for the worse. (in my opinion). Taylor became more messy and lazy. I became more depressed and tired. We still made the night he got home special and ended up conceiving Jaxon, but everything went downhill from here. Having Jaxon was a blessing to Taylor and I, it meant we now will forever have a sweet little family of three. You'd think that I couldn't be happier. I'm not even Happy. How could I even know what that option feels like? ... I had postpartum depression bad. The Dr. in California didn't seem too concerned and advised me that it would go away within a few months. It didn't.

Here I am, a whole year after birth and two years after pregnancy struggling to get out of bed, to go to the store, to shower ... to do anything. I found myself a doctor office and immediately made an appointment. 1, I needed birth control ASAP. 2, I needed to address the way I was feeling. It lasted way too long.

"Now this, is what I call Care." I remember thinking to myself as my new Doctor was evaluating me.

In California, we were given Naval Hospital on base. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful hospital and the workers are beyond polite there. However, the care is just not there. They give us the ones in training and there was never a professional around. So if the trainee was having trouble or had questions they were left to guess for their clients.... I hated it there. Come find out, I wasn't only a really high score for anxiety/depression but I also had an infection caused by birth. My previous Dr. never caught onto it. :) I'm sure you can tell JUST how "happy" I was at this point. (Not.) Thankfully I found this new Dr. here in the Springs and started my journey to a better me. She healed my infection within a week and a half, prescribed me anxiety/depression pills and checks on me monthly to make sure I'm physically and mentally OK. I was very hesitant to take the pills. I used to believe that they would alter you mentally and make you not be you. That isn't the case for me at all and I couldn't be more thankful. Slowly but surely I'm getting better and being "hopie dopie" again.

Writing this was rough for me, I kept editing and editing because I wasn't sure if I should keep certain things in or out, but I finally came to the decision of keeping most of it all in here and posting my Friday blog about Mental Abuse, Inner Evil and Overcoming.

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